at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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