Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
