Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
