i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
