Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
