Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
