Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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