Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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