so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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