I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
