just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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