I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
