conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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