so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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