EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
