you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
