i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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