I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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