i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
