i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He better not be in your backpack
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
