I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
