OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
