just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
