my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
