she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
