Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
