On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
