I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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