HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
