I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
