i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
