I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
