I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Acid is not a monday night drug
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
