Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
