People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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