I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
