I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
