there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
