Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
