Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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