im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
