how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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