Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize