i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
