I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
