Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
