Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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