That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
