my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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