ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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