the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
