I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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