I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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