I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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