My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
