Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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