They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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