his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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