I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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