Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
