oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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