at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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