mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
